Is It Any Wonder!?

Is it any wonder I'm tired, is it any wonder that I feel uptight, is it any wonder I don't know what's right.
Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand, it's hard to know where I am, well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand ~ Keane

I chose to place this extract from Keane's song Is It Any Wonder because it's been a core song today. Mark hasn't been well at all today. He's got a bug that's been going around and I feel so bad for him. I'm not good when people are ill. Anyway, back on subject. Mark has been emotional this last two days but more so today. I can tell he is trying not to cry but I wish he would because bottling it up can't be doing him any good.

You see he got upset when I started bleeding the brown blood and had a small cry but when I lost Alicia he has been strong for me and for two weeks he's bottled it up - I think he needs to cry now! All I can do is try. It's 1:30am so not too much is going on in my head I just hope when I wake up things will be better as it'll be two weeks since I lost Alicia and although I'm not intentionally counting each week part of me is fully aware when it comes to Friday/Saturday.

Well Monday we travel to the PILs for Christmas. I can't wait to get out of the house - I feel as though this house has bad omens since I fell pregnant. Just things didn't feel right - I hope we can move in April because we're just not comfortable here any more. Odd because we've been here longer than we've stayed anywhere else but since the pregnancy (before I lost Alicia) it's not been the same.

We went late night shopping tonight for some munchies and I looked into the sky. A magnificent sight of the low clouds with gaps and the moonlight shining through and all I could think about was Alicia. It hurts she's not with us, not inside me growing. I would have been 8 weeks on Christmas Day - I'm stunned how bonded you can be with your baby so early in pregnancy but she was my girl no matter how far along in gestation.

I'll admit I've been searching for reasons why I lost her! I know that it isn't my fault but I can't help but wonder if I did something wrong, ate something I shouldn't haven't - I just feel like I should be apologising to Alicia, I feel responsible for her not being able to have a life...it's amazing how you don't really get over it emotionally even when you think you have. It hurts.