Beginning of the Future

Happy New Year! 2008 has finally arrived and what a great start I feel. Yesterday I received my peridot ring which I am now wearing. Forever Alicia will be near.

I'm going to start taking the Folic Acid again today and need to see the doctor this week if possible.

I really haven't got that much to say. Things just feel on the up I just hope it stays that way as well as proceeds that way.

Ready For 2008

Emotion and humanity itself is confusing. I think I mentioned it before that one minute you're fine the next you're not. I feel different since the pregnancy and the MC combined. (Please forgive me putting MC but saying the full word just makes it difficult for me).

Since the pregnancy and the MC I have noticed that I am more stern as a person but at the same time I'm so much more emotional. Out of nowhere, last night, I was just reliving the memories of the mc. I haven't told Mark about it and sadly the reliving those memories did make me cry. It hurt so bad.

I spoke to my neighbour yesterday, well she's not really my neighbour however she does live on the same street. She looks after my two babies of the furry kind when we go away. She told me some personal storied which I can't disclose here but her stories and her words just made me see stuff from a new perspective, a more positive one, a thankful one.

The sterness I've adopted has shown through when I emailed my best friend over this last couple of weeks as well as a work colleague today. When I emailed my best friend I was curt with him and I knew I was when I was typing the message but it seems as though I did the right thing but all the same I feel like I've pushed him away in the sense and as odd as this sounds I say that I feel I've pushed him away because I now feel as though he's casting me aside. Oblivious to the fact I still need him!

As for my colleague - the curtness I put forth today has been certainly more so since the pregnancy as a whole. Maybe my hormones allowed me to express what was really bugging me but I'm really considering packing in work before I go back in January. I don't know why I don't want to go back but I just somehow don't. I was going to go until April but now I'm just not sure.

We have so much to do this new year. We need to move and also get into the work that we really want to do. I hope that the shop goes well for Mark's sake but for me, I just hope I find a way of getting hired for my graphical talents without the need for qualifications.

We have to keep moving forward don't we?

Run! Golden Angels

Light up, Light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear - Leona Lewis ~ Run (Live Lounge)

It was when we were traveling back from the PIL's, we had Radio one playing on the long long journey. I say it was long because we got stuck on the M25 going towards and through the Dartford Tunnel. They were playing back different Live Lounge songs that were the peoples favourite and the last one was Run sung by Leona Lewis - originally by Snow Patrol. Whilst I was sitting there watching the traffic and relaxed some of the lyrics and the emotion in her voice just got me thinking of Alicia. You see, I may be stronger now but I still think about her...the way she sang the words was just so emotional that I just had to grab it when I got home. It's a definite to go on to Alicia's list of songs.

The MIL didn't get the hint that we wanted her gold angels. In fact she didn't get the hint even when Mark asked for them. However, I have found some that look like they're from the same company just a different pose and ever so slightly different so I'll be getting them in the new year for next Christmas in memory of little Alicia - and the best of it is that Mark knows why and he supports me. You wouldn't believe the boost that gives me.

Well it's late, I'm feeling a little icky so I'm gonna head to bed.

Christmas Day

This was actually written on Christmas Day and saved until I could get back on the net as I've been down the PILs.

Dec 25, 2007

So Christmas Day has just ended. It's kind of been a tough one because I would have been eight weeks pregnant today and was hoping to show of my small bump. The only other thing that has made it tough is that the MIL has these two beautiful modern angel decorations, absolutely beautiful, but she doesn't remember where she got them from and I suppose part of me and Mark was hinting for her to offer them to us. The reason why is because they reminded me of Alicia. I had made my mind up that I would get a single decoration at Christmas for her and every time I looked at these two angels, who were hanging on the fireplace in the living room; it just instantly reminded me of Alicia. Maybe I will be able to hint enough by the time we head back home.

Overall it was a pleasant day, I kind of missed being alone with Mark but at the same time I enjoyed the Christmas company. It's strange because I feel somewhat ready to try again, for a baby that is. Not religiously but the doctor said to try after two cycles so what I thought was to wait 'til cycle one is over and then go back on to the folic acid for thee whole of cycle two and then what will be will be.

Time is a healer, there are still days I'm going to be sad or angry but it's all a case of moving forward and that is what I hope to do in the New Year. Move forward.

Is It Any Wonder!?

Is it any wonder I'm tired, is it any wonder that I feel uptight, is it any wonder I don't know what's right.
Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand, it's hard to know where I am, well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand ~ Keane

I chose to place this extract from Keane's song Is It Any Wonder because it's been a core song today. Mark hasn't been well at all today. He's got a bug that's been going around and I feel so bad for him. I'm not good when people are ill. Anyway, back on subject. Mark has been emotional this last two days but more so today. I can tell he is trying not to cry but I wish he would because bottling it up can't be doing him any good.

You see he got upset when I started bleeding the brown blood and had a small cry but when I lost Alicia he has been strong for me and for two weeks he's bottled it up - I think he needs to cry now! All I can do is try. It's 1:30am so not too much is going on in my head I just hope when I wake up things will be better as it'll be two weeks since I lost Alicia and although I'm not intentionally counting each week part of me is fully aware when it comes to Friday/Saturday.

Well Monday we travel to the PILs for Christmas. I can't wait to get out of the house - I feel as though this house has bad omens since I fell pregnant. Just things didn't feel right - I hope we can move in April because we're just not comfortable here any more. Odd because we've been here longer than we've stayed anywhere else but since the pregnancy (before I lost Alicia) it's not been the same.

We went late night shopping tonight for some munchies and I looked into the sky. A magnificent sight of the low clouds with gaps and the moonlight shining through and all I could think about was Alicia. It hurts she's not with us, not inside me growing. I would have been 8 weeks on Christmas Day - I'm stunned how bonded you can be with your baby so early in pregnancy but she was my girl no matter how far along in gestation.

I'll admit I've been searching for reasons why I lost her! I know that it isn't my fault but I can't help but wonder if I did something wrong, ate something I shouldn't haven't - I just feel like I should be apologising to Alicia, I feel responsible for her not being able to have a life...it's amazing how you don't really get over it emotionally even when you think you have. It hurts.

Behind Alicia's Name

I know I should be heading to bed, especially since I'm getting emotional, angry and upset. But I also thought I could take this opportunity to talk about the choosing of Alicia's name.

When I was pregnant with Alicia and the staff at St. John's EPU kept putting me down the lyrics of a particular song rang true to my emotional state. It is in the charts, or was, I am uncertain as to whether it still is, but it is most certainly one of the biggest tracks playing at the moment. I had seen it several times on MTV and was somewhat hooked on it.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

I just want you close, Where you can stay forever, You can be sure, That it will only get better, You and me together, Through the days and nights, I don't worry cause, Everything gonna be alright, People keep talking
They can say what they like, But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one, Can get in the way of what I'm feeling, No one no one no one, Can get in the way of what I feel for you, You you can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down, And my heart is hurting, You will always be around, This I know for certain

You and me together, Through the days and nights, I don't worry cause, Everythings gonna be alright, People keep talking, They can say what they like, But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one, Can get in the way of what I'm feeling, No one no one no one, Can get in the way of what I feel for you, You you can get in the way of what I feel for you

I know some people search the world, To find something like what we have, I know people will try, Try to divide, Something so real, So till the end of time, I'm telling you that

No one no one no one, Can get in the way of what I'm feeling, No one no one no one, Can get in the way of what I feel for you

This song is by Alicia Keys. When the MC was immanent as of Dec, Sunday 9, 2007 I knew I wanted to name the baby because she had the right to an identity. I had concluded she was a girl through mothers intuition and the fact science states that all early forming babies are girls - not that I like Science much but still it's apparently a fact. Those two reasons were enough for me to decided she was a girl. The day after I was thinking of a name and Alicia was the only one that seemed to fitting for her. We had discussed Mirica and Alauna for a girl when we found out I was pregnant but in the end Alicia just fit. Mark chose Marie but has never really spoken about it so I can't give you an honest reason at the moment.

How I feel now is so unbelievably empty! We should have been going to Mark's mom and dads for Christmas all full of the unbelievable buzz of having a baby - now we're going there just to get away of the misery of this house. Oddly enough Mark can't wait to move yet he suffers from terrible depression when he moves - he hates it, but this time he can't wait. Whether it's because of so much has happened here I don't know but I can guarantee that it is a significant part of it.

It's unbelievable how much this can effect your life. It's walking through hell on earth and feeling absolutely hopeless. Maybe tomorrow will be better but I'm unsure as to how things will pan out over the next few weeks. I badly want to get back to normal with Mark physically and emotionally - granted Mark and I are closer and stronger but all the same I want to just feel normality and I want Mark to feel normality.

Emotional Scarring

To be honest, even though it hasn't even been a fortnight since I lost Alicia I started to believe I was emotionally and physically healed. I couldn't have been more wrong!

Physically, noticibly, I had healed but emotionally quite the quantrary. I have been part of the Baby and Bump community since I found out I was pregnant. Granted I spend most of my time in the Loss section but all the same I decided to stay there. However, I do occasionally wander into the 'First Trimester' section of the forum and answer some of the posts in there.

Now, conversations and topics inside the First Trimester section haven't bothered me up 'til now. But it was just this one post! Someone had posted about her HCG levels being only 18 and yet she had positive pregnancy tests. Now the reason this griped me was because I had 253 and the nurses at the EPU were already assuming the worst and this girl with HCG levels at 18...it just didn't make sense. Don't get me wrong I hope with all my heart she is carrying a healthy baby but all the same it gripes me. It's nothing she has done - I think it is more to do with the nurses at St. John's EPU and how they treated me.

Being a first time expectant mom I had no ideas as the HCG levels etc but oddly enough it's something that is rammed into you particularly if you are suspected to be miscarrying or have miscarried. "Oh well we're looking at your HCG levels to have halved..." my ass - sorry it makes me so angry even now.

So on with what I'm saying - you can be under the illusion you have emotionally healed but really you have emotional scars which come apart and open as old wounds when something so simple can trigger it.